Walk-O-Rama: Ambiguous Hats, Glowing Green Canyons, and the People Who Now Hate Both

Excitement filled the air today as the clock neared noon, since Richie had teased the night before that he had stumbled upon a terrific spot for a Walk-O-Rama outing.  Apparently, one of the most beautiful bits of land in the world was located right on our campus, though Richie swore he was the only soul who knew about it.  Diane was so excited, in fact, that she forgot to grab her laces when putting on her comfy shoes, which was not a problem for her but ended up being a problem for Kristen who was becoming increasingly more angry hungry as everyone stood around discussing the long walk that we were about to embark upon.  It sounded exhausting, and trust me, it was.

All Diane wants for Christmas are some laces.

As we walked forever in what we swear was a totally unnecessary out-of-the-way direction, we began to notice some things that were a little out of the ordinary.  For one, David and Richie were so far ahead of everyone the entire time that we began to fear that they were trying to take us out very far to lose us in a remote location. Though they insisted that they were merely training for their intense golf outings, the rest of us suspected that they were really just avoiding being down wind of Kristen’s stinky shoes.

Our only view of David and Richie for the entire walk

Our walking routes were limited due to our campus’s inability to tolerate those with stinky shoes.

Much debate surrounded the ambiguity of Richie’s hat, which bore the initials RF.  Now, you may logically be inclined to believe that they were actually just his embroidered initials, which those letters just so happen to be, but that would be very boring of you.  Nothing excites the imagination more than trying to figure out ways to make less sense out of something that is blatantly obvious. We work for the state, doing so is our job. Among the top contenders: Royal Fibber (which he is), Really Fishy (which he also is) and Rotten Footwear (oh, I guess that was a different walker). What do YOU think it stands for?

Raisin Fanatic? Seriously, we give up.

The long trip made us further regret having strayed so far from food when we saw random condiments scattered on the lawn in the Florida District of campus.  Hot sauce was spotted near the soy cause, which would have done wonders to increase the deliciousness of the nearby discarded onion.  We began to lose patience, but our confident leader assured us it would be worth the trouble.

Free condiments located near the tree that blossoms with spray bottles

Even the cat food put out for the strays began to look tempting, but as boys were not allowed in this establishment we decided to hold off for their sake.

We girls would have entered, but alas, we did not know the fort’s secret knock.

At last, the moment we had journeyed so far to witness was at hand.  We could see in the distance a great fence, and beyond it another fence, and a slope which seemed to confirm Richie’s story that there was indeed a lovely Green Cayon on our own campus! As we neared the boundary, however, our hearts sank as we realized that this, despite his frantic denial, was just another one of Richie’s lies.  See for yourself, I have not the heart to describe the site that met our eyes.

Such unholy and unnatural glowing greenness had not been witnessed since Ken brought in his weird little cookies weeks before.

Our disappointment was not easily suppressed when we spied the “canyon”. That guy at the bottom is just delirious with hunger.

On the return trip, which Richie again lied only seemed shorter because we were no longer just cluelessly wandering, we noticed something more than a little suspicious.  A sanitation truck kept following us.  Or, rather, it was always driving away from us, yet somehow always confronting us again.  It is possible that these are the alien spies from last week, but we cannot be certain.  He was really given away on the final confrontation, however, as we noticed that he was driving by in the wrong direction on a one way street.  Seriously, we are not that interesting. Our fans are welcome to join in and walk with us whenever they please. No stalking is necessary.

As we began to walk in the general direction of food, our weary minds started playing tricks on us and we began seeing a mirage that resembled what seemed at the time to be the finest restaurant on all of Long Island, the SAC.  Photo evidence was taken to prove that it was not just our minds playing tricks on us.  As we stumbled through the streets we noticed a written warning that would have been much more valuable had we seen it an hour earlier.

Though originally considered a mirage, the construction equipment gave this image some validity as a real campus location.

Had we been warned sooner we would not have followed Richie into the middle of nowhere.

The story ends as they always do, with us grabbing some delicious food (and it all is delicious when you’re famished). Though the holidays are upon us and our group may be temporarily disbanded for a short while, we are sure to reconvene with the new year, should we not be obliterated tomorrow if the end of the world prophecy comes to pass.  If you do happen to escape the destruction of all mankind as we know it, please join us next time!

Read Full Post »

Walk-O-Rama: Crazy Awesome (title suggested by a non-walker)

Captain’s log: December 14th, 2012

The moment long dreaded has come to pass.  A jolly group of Earthlings has stumbled upon our portal, meant to be used on the leaked date of December 21st (blast you, Mayans!), and it has been photographed for all the world to see.  No matter, they are a silly bunch and I do not believe their race listens to their often incoherent ramblings.  Our intergalactic ally, Henry Powderly, created the elegant portal which was easily deemed art. No one will suspect a thing, unless they read this post, which is unlikely.

Portal of Doom. I mean art.

Even though, as I have stated, we do not believe the stories told by these self-declared adventurers are likely to ever be taken seriously, we did decide to follow them on one of their outings to make certain their intelligence was not of a superior nature.  We were pleased with the results. Their love of exploration equaled our own, which was admirable, but they seemed to be easily confused by minor obstacles.  For instance, they once followed a trail that led them through a lovely garden in which flowers were surprisingly still in bloom, and when it came to an abrupt end they all stared at one another in a dumb-founded manner and considered the possible ways they could continue, which equalled one.  They slowly began to hesitantly proceed in that one possible direction, giving us need to worry again that they might have basic problem solving skills, no matter how slow, and thereby pose a threat to the ease of our invasion.

The path to nowhere left our party in a state of surprising confusion

Several spies working on our behalf on the ground followed these walkers in campus vehicles that were spot-on replicas of state work vehicles, just to see how they would react to moving obstacles.  We were amazed to see how unprepared they were for these trucks, even though they were walking in a street located at a busy part of campus.  They all circled about in a panic before finally assembling in a line along the edge of the road in what was their best attempt at group organization.  It is becoming increasingly apparent that these Earthlings will be easily wiped out upon our arrival next week.

But wait…the following phenomenon was of particular interest.  Despite the frigid temperatures and the abundance of heated eating establishment on and around campus they decided to stand out in the cold near a truck that serves BBQ’d fuel of some sort.  This dedication seems to either be stupidity or an attempt to strengthen their constitutions for extreme weather conditions.  Are they as brave and hearty as they boast of being in their chronicles? We will have to look into these archives to learn more about their character.  For now, however, my alien currency is on stupidity.  Only time will tell…

 

Read Full Post »

Walk-O-Rama: Boldly Going Where No Man Has Cared to Go Before

It is with great pleasure that I report that on this day Kathy and Kristen were the winners of an invaluable tool in the world of transportation. Two average looking hats, assuming you consider fuzzy top hats with flashing lights average, which we were told, with what we perceived to be the slightest of winks, were not port keys like those portrayed in Harry Potter.  So you know we had to try them out first thing when we went walking, since teleportation is much better than walking, even if all of one’s body parts do not make it to the desired destination.  Unfortunately, we did not know where our new magical devices would lead us (all fingers were crossed that it would be somewhere tropical) so we all took a chance and grabbed the fuzzy rim of Kathy’s hat.

Mama said they was our magic hats. They could take us anywhere.

Much to our dismay, we were not transported to somewhere warm and sunny.  Rather, we were met by the same bleak, misty weather that we had left not far behind.  Apparently, Kathy’s dumb hat had warped us to a parking lot near the Life Science Building, which was not even the convenient location of any of our cars.  A few members stomped on the hat and kicked it in disappointment. This did not tarnish Kathy’s affection for her festive holiday prize, I’m happy to say, and she continued wearing it proudly.

Kristen tried taking her hat off on several occasions in the hope that the others would forget about it so she would not be blamed for leading the group to another boring destination, though in retrospect it could probably not have been much worse.  After a short distance walking wearily upward on a slight incline, she grew tired, though, and gave up her hat for further experimentation.  With a heavy sigh and slightly less optimistic expectations, we all clasped the rim of Kristen’s hat and it seemed to work, oddly enough with out the batteries.

What greeted them all this time was a vast improvement.  This hat, it seemed, was a direct link to the food truck, which not all appreciated due to the hearty breakfast we had been provided at what we only recall as being a crazy hat awarding ceremony.  But for the rest of the group, it was a welcome site.  We finished our “walk” in style, with a bunch of delicious food made to order at the new truck, apart from Kristen’s, which was just meat scooped from a heated pot and slapped on some bread.  It was divine.  This hat will almost certainly be used on a daily basis from the confines of her office.

This highly valuable hat could have been Ken’s if he were more punctual

We hope you can join us next week as we continue squeezing as many walks in as possible before Dooms Day.

Read Full Post »