Excitement filled the air today as the clock neared noon, since Richie had teased the night before that he had stumbled upon a terrific spot for a Walk-O-Rama outing. Apparently, one of the most beautiful bits of land in the world was located right on our campus, though Richie swore he was the only soul who knew about it. Diane was so excited, in fact, that she forgot to grab her laces when putting on her comfy shoes, which was not a problem for her but ended up being a problem for Kristen who was becoming increasingly more angry hungry as everyone stood around discussing the long walk that we were about to embark upon. It sounded exhausting, and trust me, it was.
All Diane wants for Christmas are some laces.
As we walked forever in what we swear was a totally unnecessary out-of-the-way direction, we began to notice some things that were a little out of the ordinary. For one, David and Richie were so far ahead of everyone the entire time that we began to fear that they were trying to take us out very far to lose us in a remote location. Though they insisted that they were merely training for their intense golf outings, the rest of us suspected that they were really just avoiding being down wind of Kristen’s stinky shoes.
Our only view of David and Richie for the entire walk
Our walking routes were limited due to our campus’s inability to tolerate those with stinky shoes.
Much debate surrounded the ambiguity of Richie’s hat, which bore the initials RF. Now, you may logically be inclined to believe that they were actually just his embroidered initials, which those letters just so happen to be, but that would be very boring of you. Nothing excites the imagination more than trying to figure out ways to make less sense out of something that is blatantly obvious. We work for the state, doing so is our job. Among the top contenders: Royal Fibber (which he is), Really Fishy (which he also is) and Rotten Footwear (oh, I guess that was a different walker). What do YOU think it stands for?
Raisin Fanatic? Seriously, we give up.
The long trip made us further regret having strayed so far from food when we saw random condiments scattered on the lawn in the Florida District of campus. Hot sauce was spotted near the soy cause, which would have done wonders to increase the deliciousness of the nearby discarded onion. We began to lose patience, but our confident leader assured us it would be worth the trouble.
Free condiments located near the tree that blossoms with spray bottles
Even the cat food put out for the strays began to look tempting, but as boys were not allowed in this establishment we decided to hold off for their sake.
We girls would have entered, but alas, we did not know the fort’s secret knock.
At last, the moment we had journeyed so far to witness was at hand. We could see in the distance a great fence, and beyond it another fence, and a slope which seemed to confirm Richie’s story that there was indeed a lovely Green Cayon on our own campus! As we neared the boundary, however, our hearts sank as we realized that this, despite his frantic denial, was just another one of Richie’s lies. See for yourself, I have not the heart to describe the site that met our eyes.
Such unholy and unnatural glowing greenness had not been witnessed since Ken brought in his weird little cookies weeks before.
Our disappointment was not easily suppressed when we spied the “canyon”. That guy at the bottom is just delirious with hunger.
On the return trip, which Richie again lied only seemed shorter because we were no longer just cluelessly wandering, we noticed something more than a little suspicious. A sanitation truck kept following us. Or, rather, it was always driving away from us, yet somehow always confronting us again. It is possible that these are the alien spies from last week, but we cannot be certain. He was really given away on the final confrontation, however, as we noticed that he was driving by in the wrong direction on a one way street. Seriously, we are not that interesting. Our fans are welcome to join in and walk with us whenever they please. No stalking is necessary.
As we began to walk in the general direction of food, our weary minds started playing tricks on us and we began seeing a mirage that resembled what seemed at the time to be the finest restaurant on all of Long Island, the SAC. Photo evidence was taken to prove that it was not just our minds playing tricks on us. As we stumbled through the streets we noticed a written warning that would have been much more valuable had we seen it an hour earlier.
Though originally considered a mirage, the construction equipment gave this image some validity as a real campus location.
Had we been warned sooner we would not have followed Richie into the middle of nowhere.
The story ends as they always do, with us grabbing some delicious food (and it all is delicious when you’re famished). Though the holidays are upon us and our group may be temporarily disbanded for a short while, we are sure to reconvene with the new year, should we not be obliterated tomorrow if the end of the world prophecy comes to pass. If you do happen to escape the destruction of all mankind as we know it, please join us next time!
Walk-O-Rama 