In 1513 Ponce de Leon “discovered” Florida and began a search for the fabled Fountain of Youth. How he could have “discovered” a place that already had people living in it is beyond me, but that is a discussion for another time (so heads up to you too, Christopher Columbus!) It was in this spirit of adventure and discovery that I headed down to St. Augustine, FL, the oldest city in the U.S., and the reputed location of that jazzy, age-reversing spigot!
Ponce (not to be confused with Ponch, from “CHIPS”, although both of them wore helmets and had dazzling smiles) set out from Puerto Rico with 60 crew members and tons of provisions. I set out from Atlanta, GA with one crew member, my friend Pat, and a snack bag filled with Reese’s peanut butter eggs, Cheetos, sesame sticks, and Twizzlers, all of which, as you know, are essential in the prevention of scurvy.
Ponce
Ponch
Essential expeditionary supplies
We followed any signs that hinted that Ponce had indeed been through these here parts. Some of those signs were not exactly 100% accurate, but we followed them anyway and so, later than sooner, we came upon the magical city of St. Augustine, whose inhabitants consist mostly of pale-skinned tourists in garishly colored garb, old hippies and older surfer dudes, and leather-clad motorcycle types of questionable hygiene. But we were not here to poke fun at the natives (well, maybe a little), but to find the Fountain of Youth!
Don’t follow this sign.
This is no good, either
Happy to see the Walk-O-Rama billboards are finally up
The first fountain seemed promising. Made of stainless steel, it was a two-sipper, made for both short and tall conquistadors. I drank from it and waited with tingly anticipation to be turned into a much younger version of myself. Alas…although cool and refreshing, after an hour, no change. We pushed on.
Could this be it??
We came across a second fountain, so mind boggling and magical that we were sure it must be the one! Sip…sip…sip…wait for it…nada. Fooled again! We finally asked a passing stranger where on Earth this confounded fountain was and he gave us a map to point the way. I was a little suspicious, being as he was wearing a bandanna on his head and had a parrot on his shoulder, and didn’t look very young, but we set off to look for the spot marked by a big X. This led us past a Hell’s Angels’ barbecue, a shack selling alligator heads and things made from coconuts, and down a side street of seriously scary houses, lined with Spanish moss covered trees and scurrying lizards. Then…there before us…an ancient wall! And in that wall…a gate! Could this be it? With beating hearts and tired feet we slowly approached and turned into the entrance, and…OMG…IT’S THE PONCE HIMSELF!! We knew this must be the real, authentic Fountain of Youth, because Ponce looked pretty damned good for a 539 year old hombre. Unfortunately, the whole thing was encased in a giant ping-pong ball, so there was to be no guzzling of the magic elixir for me. I guess I am condemned to live a wrinkly future of flatulence and hip replacements, just like everybody else! Damn!
Magical and freaky, dude!
Would you trust this guy? The parrot…maybe.
“Hi Mrs. Kruger…can Freddy come out and play?”
PONCE!!
“Pssst! Hey you, gringa! Get me outta this hell hole!”
Behold…the Ping Pong Ball of Youth!
My destiny…*sigh*
There was one exciting thing that we discovered even though we weren’t searching for it…David Weiner’s Florida house! And it’s a doozy! You know how David is always going to down to Florida every chance he gets, and coming back as brown as an old shoe, so you have to figure that he’s got a place down there somewhere. I knew immediately that it was David’s pad, because it had a sign outside that said “DAVID” with an arrow pointing around some hedges. I figured it was one of those signs like, “I’m out in the garden, come on ’round!”, or “Gone Fishin’!”, so I followed it and…YOWZA! It is SO like David to put a freaking huge statue of himself in the garden, isn’t it? He now just has to get someone to paint the thing Coppertone tan.
David’s vacation cottage.
David applying his SPF 2.
– Diane Englot
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